Wednesday, 20 April 2011

It Never Occurred To Me

Here's a message, from the depths of query-perfecting hell.

Life. Is. Kicking. My. Butt.

That said, I was wondering if I could ask a favor - could you guys pretty please tell me what you think of my query as it stands? Thanks a million if you can!!
(p.s. I edited in a new query after a bit of feedback!)


Prince Theyrin should be dead by now.


Months ago, the now ex-heir to Stoyria’s throne had been sentenced to death for supporting the Rebellion of Asheva, a militant society intent on ending the oppression of the people. Thrown into the dungeons, the prince waits patiently for his father to order his execution, but the king delays. He wishes to execute Theyrin at the most opportune moment, but the Rebellion of Asheva has other plans.


After Theyrin is rescued by a rebel magician who breaks into the castle to free him, he cuts all ties with his father and accepts kingship of the rebel society. Desperate to secure the freedom of all Stoyria, the rebel council hopes that Theyrin will overthrow the current government and repeal its unjust laws. Theyrin knows the pressure is on to wage war against his father and his home country.


He also knows Stoyria has bigger problems.


The neighboring country of Mordai has been waiting for centuries to invade Stoyria, and a civil war could be the exact opportunity they need. Unwilling to attack is father and unable to strike out against Mordai, Theyrin prepares the army and his region of Stoyria as best he can. Then the call comes from Stoyria’s capital.


Mordai is stronger than we could have ever guessed, they have conquered our city. Lend us your aid.

Please, Theyrin.



THE VOICE OF ASHEVA is a fantasy novel of 95,000 words told from multiple points of view. It is my first novel.

Thank you for your time,

Contact info





XOXO
Bethany

7 comments:

bumatom said...

schools done! have a good summer! try to take in the fresh air, video games make the brain all moooooooshy!

Kathryn said...

That first sentence: try breaking it up into two sentences for a stronger impact.

"It never arrives" is really good, but jarring since you don't explain why in that same paragraph. You go to explain it in the following paragraph, (rebel magician) but it might be stronger to have the "After a rebel..." sentence follow "his impending execution" and dropping (sob) the "It never arrives".

I'm wondering what Theyrin's thoughts are concerned Mordai possibly invading Stoyria. You say "his own worries", then go on to say civil war would be the exact opportunity they'd need. So is he for this invasion, or against it?

I like how you finished the query, but I don't see why Theyrin would help. I'm not seeing any conflict there. Is there any reason why Theyrin would ever consider helping Stoyria? I'm starting to think that he was initially part of that society, so perhaps family/love/home ties would bring him back, but you might want to say that upfront, so that I'm not left wondering why he wouldn't just turn his back on a society he has nothing to do with (and also tried to execute him).

Interesting ideas here! Good luck with this! Drop me a line if you need any clarifications. :)

Kathryn kathryn.kupanoff@gmail.com

Amie McCracken said...

I would shorten the second graph. I know it feels like you need to say a lot, but less is more in a query letter.

And agreed on breaking the first sentence into two. Think snack, crackle, pop. Short, sweet, hit them in the face.

Good luck with it!

Lisa Aldin said...

I would drop the "It never arrives" in the first paragraph. That's implied when we learn he's rescued.

Other than that - I think this is solid. Try to shorten, or break up the second paragraph. More white space in the query, I think, the better.

YEAH!

Phil Hall said...

After "Thrown into the dungeons," replace "the prince" with "Theyrin"; might replace ", but the king delays." with "; however the king delays." (judgment call)

Replace "current government" with "his father." Replace "against his father" with "against his family."

Replace "He also knows" with "But."

Replace "need" with "have been waiting for."

"Is" should be "his"?

Lisa Gail Green said...

OK - here's the thing, is this a YA? Or is this for adults? I was assuming YA because of the perceived age of the MC. IF that's the case, I want you to be VERY careful about switching POV. You announce it in the query AND you actually do it in the summary. It's ok to have multiple POVs but not always preferable in YA. I recommend Cassandra Clare as someone who does an AMAZING job of this. Either way, I would nix it in the query. Honestly. All you want is to entice them to look. Your opening line is great! Good voice. But then the voice gets lost in the overarching plot. This isn't a synopsis. Stick to the prince and keep his voice active. That's my two cents.

Lisa Gail Green said...

Also - don't tell them it's your first novel! :D